Editor’s Note: The following is excerpted from diaries that I found while cleaning out the basement. The author is unknown but the notebooks are not old. I hazard that this person, whomever it is, has been pursuing this creature he describes for years
Little is popularly known about how the “Peep”1 lives its life. Like most Americans, I assume that the Peep, like steak, is born fully wrapped at the local grocery store and ready for consumption. It wasn’t until my brother was killed by a psychotic wild Peep that I decided I must know how this creature lives its life. The better for me to eradicate them.
My journey took me to the natural range of the Peep. It was made known to me by a Mr. C that the only way to understand the Peep was to be adopted by one. I naturally scoffed at the notion of my dire hatred giving way, allowing myself to spend time with my sworn enemy. Nevertheless, I followed Mr. C’s map to the deep forest where he said I could find a nesting habitat.
After weeks of searching I finally found a nest where a wild Peep mother was watching over her youngling. The mother Peep was distraught by my appearance, emitting tiny “peep! peep!” noises whilst I was there. I found better ways to camouflage myself so that she could not see me. Eventually I was to observe the birth of the infant Peep.
Immediately after its emergence from the shell, I presented myself in the manner that Mr. C had recommended. The baby Peep imprinted on me, causing concern that I had altered its habitat too much for me to learn what I needed to destroy them. I was to discover that I had little to worry about. Peeps are naturally self reliant and do not depend on their adoptees for support.
After the infant Peep emerged and imprinted, the mother Peep vanished, never to be seen again.
The Peep is a canny and careful creature. For the first few weeks I observed the Peep only when it thought that the situation was safe. Here is the Peep just emerging from the long grass where it was hiding from its natural predator, the Rabbit Chocolatus. Once, while happening across another brood-pack of Peeps, I was to observe the Rabbit Chocolatus descend on them and devour every one. Gruesome. Strangely satisfying to my deep hatred. Perhaps I could breed and re-introduce the Rabbit Chocolatus to the Peep’s habitat?
One thing most people don’t know is how inquisitive the wild Peep is. Here is my Peep examining a Weber grill that was found in its range for some reason. Whenever my Peep felt safe enough, it was everywhere and into everything.
Another strange fact about the Peep is that except for the brood period and immediately after birth, the Peep is an arboreal creature, spending most of its time in trees. This, I hypothesize, keeps it safe from the Rabbit Chocolatus and its bright coloring probably protects it from larger predators such as hawks, who might think the Peep was poisonous.
My most shocking realization while following my Peep around was how intelligent it was! Here is the Peep cultivating a crop of oregano! Who knew that the Peep was capable of using tools and planning agriculture. And all from inborn instinct! No other Peep was around to teach my Peep its knowledge. They must have amazing DNA.
At last I discovered the Peep’s true ability to survive in the wild. They seek out and adopt creatures who can protect them. I can only guess that I was not supplying my Peep with the necessary feedback or encouragement; it went seeking another creature.
As of today, I am still following my Peep. It continues to surprise me and educate me. It’s quiet arboreal lifestyle (with the exception of its garden) confuses me because I know how savagely my brother was mauled by the Peep that killed him. Another year of study and I should be able to determine a course of attack to enact my revenge.
Editor’s Note: This was the last entry in the notebook. The fate of the author is unknown.
The author also never hypothesizes on the method by which certain companies have managed to raise and harvest the peep for the traditional Easter snack. It must be a terrible life for the captive peep, living in feedlots or similar before being boxed and distributed.
1: Editor’s Note – Scientific name is Peepus Sucris