Indiana Jones IV: Sucking to New Limits

There are no direct spoilers in this review but if you don’t want to know anything about the movie before you see it, don’t read

The short and sweet of this review: “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” is the worst movie you’ll see this summer. If it’s not, God help Hollywood.

These people are insane. These links are all glowing reviews of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. They apparently did not see the same movie as I. Either that or they were shot up with an awesome amount of smack before they let Steven Spielberg ruin their summer. What’s really crazy about the reviews is that they talk about all of the things that made the movie so bad as if they were good things. When did having superflous scenes which end up being entirely throwaway turn out to be a bonus?

Even Rotten Tomatoes currently thinks the movie is good (78) but I’m willing to bet that the score will drop as the people who didn’t go to see it opening weekend start filing in. This is the only review that will admit an unclothed emperor and call it like it is: An action-packed flop that if it didn’t say “Indian Jones” in the title would probably not have broken $30M at the box office before being yanked.

Why am I down on this movie so much? Am I only lashing out because a favored franchise has been violated?

No. Not even close. This movie sucks entirely on its own merits. In fact, the film would probably have been better without Harrison Ford or all of the franchise trappings and throwaway jokes because Spielberg wouldn’t have been tempted to use them. This would have made people try to have a good movie instead of pulling scenes from the old movies and trusting them to do the job.1

When I first heard that Indiana Jones 4 was being made I moaned and shook my head. I figured that they were going to make another “Last Crusade” and deliberately did not get my hopes up because I knew that I would be disappointed. It was too bad that I retained any expectation of a tight film because IJ4 is not it. The entire opening scene is a throwaway. Not a throwaway in the same sense that the openers of the first 3 movies were because they introduced us to important characters or plot devices. No, the entire first scene could have been cut and it wouldn’t have effected the movie. That was my first clue to the ultimate terribleness. The second clue to the ultimate terribleness was our being asked during the first conflict to suspend our disbelief not once, or twice, or even three times, but four times for different plot elements. That’s pushing it a bit far for me and that wasn’t the end of things we were expected to swallow.

Oh my God! I’m so worked up I can’t even finish this posting. It sucked! Don’t see it! I’m so glad that Sex and the City kicked its ass this weekend.

1 They even, to my utter horror, pulled a line straight from Han Solo. Even if they didn’t deliberately do that, they should have seen it and changed the line.

-Ironically in the USA Today review I linked to above, they say the movie has “enough snap to satisfy” and end on an upbeat tone, but they only give it 2.5 stars. Huh? Shouldn’t that mean that the movie is mediocre?

-At least the review from Cinematical admitted that this movie wasn’t as good as “Raiders” but they still compare it favorably with “Temple of Doom” and “Last Crusade”, something which I entirely disagree with.

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